Let me warm you up with a confession that feels slightly illegal to say out loud.
"I am going on my first international trip...and I am not jumping with excitement."
Yup! There, I said it. I know. I know. "First international trip brooooo, how can you not be excited?" Trust me, I have asked myself the same question over a million times now. In my head. Loudly.
This trip is supposed to feel like a milestone, isn't it? First passport stamp. Airport photos. Mandatory Instagram stories apart from My Trip Dump. The whole freaking "life is happening" package. But, instead of pure excitement, what I'm feeling is something else.
A little excitement, absolutely.
Butterflies in the stomach, most certainly.
But also...confusion.
This weird "Expectation vs Reality" feeling that I just can't ignore.
What Everyone Thinks The First International Trip Should Feel Like
According to the internet, society, random relatives and my friends, my first international trip should feel like THE BIGGEST DEAL.
I'm supposed to feel:
- Proud
- Excited
- Accomplished
- Like I've unlocked a new level in my life
It's almost like a checklist item:
✔ First job
✔ First heartbreak
✔ First international trip
And if I don't feel like I am over the moon, I am obviously doing travel wrong. But, hear me out. Travel has never worked like that for me. Never.
What Travel Actually Means To Me
For me, travel was, is and never will be about countries, destinations, stamps, or just filling social media. Maybe I'm weird like that, but it has always been about Slowing Down.
I love getting lost, not knowing what's gonna happen in the very next second, figuring things out as and where I go. Waking up without a plan and living wherever the day takes me is my thing. I like travelling when it's a little messy, unplanned and uncomfortable. That's when I feel the closest to myself.
That's the exact version of travelling I keep daydreaming about when I'm stuck in daily life. I might pretend to work, but actually, I am on a virtual messy trip in my head.
Then There's The Reality Of This Trip
Welcome to the part where the disconnect happens.
So basically, this trip is:
- Structured
- Organised
- Planned to the T
- Not solo (Bonus)
Everything is neat af man. Timings, plans, logistics - everything just sorted.
You must be calling me a freak right now, that's okay! Let me make one thing clear. I am not saying that all of the planning makes it a bad trip. It just makes it really different. Different from all the chaotic, figuring-it-out-as-you-go version of travel I keep drooling over.
And that's what's throwing me off.
This Trip Is "Not Wrong"
Okay, so here's something I'm slowly learning. Although painfully, but learning.
Not every trip is meant to match the idea that lives rent-free in your head.
Some trips can be about either:
- Freedom
- Comfort
- Discovery
- Just showing up
Expecting every trip to be life-changing is definitely a bit unfair. To both, the trip and the you. Maybe some journeys only make sense after you've lived them.
So, What Am I Gonna Do?
Instead of forcing excitement, I am choosing to be curious for this one. Instead of constantly comparing it with the imaginary solo trip in my head, I am just going to let this be whatever it wants to be. I genuinely have no idea what this trip will give, what I'll like or dislike, and this time, I'm choosing to be okay with not knowing.
And isn't that the beauty of travelling! It doesn't always give you what you want. It gives you what you're ready to understand.
I am gonna live in reality this one time, instead of my head.
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